Monday, September 27, 2004

Someone More Messed Up Than Me?

I was chatting online to this dude, after a bit he told me he was only 16. He seemed really messed up! I tried to help his as much as I could. He seemed to think everything would be ok if he had a boyfirend, I told him that I don't think that would make all his problems go away. I found it a bit hard because I don't really have any experence and am just finding out about the gay world myself, but I tried to pass on some of the more helpful advise that's been passed to me. I hope I was of help...I really do. I know what it is like needing someone to talk to.

Well, thats all for today.

Matt

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Cold Feet Allready?

Well, i've told a couple of my gay internet mates that i'm going to tell my Mother. I have had an inteesting reaction. Most are telling me to wait, I have heard some horror stories. One guy told me that he came out a year and a half ago and if he could go back in time and not tell them he would!!!

Well, i'm a bit freaked now. I was all geared up. I have a lot to think about!

Matt

Hi Mum, I'm Gay

I have decided to tell my Mother. I think I am ready. I want to tell her in a couple of weeks. I will update how it goes, if I get the courage, that is!

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Meet For A Chat?

I had a dude email me after reading my profile on the dating website, it says that i'm still in on it. He said that he was happy to talk to me about coming out, seen as he had only done it a year ago. We chatted online till about 3am, it was really cool. He said he went through everything I'm going through now. It was kinda a releif!

We met in person, I wen't around to his place and we talked for ages. We started talking about what we get off on, it was quite funny, I was pretty shy... He got up and went to the bathroom and when he came back we just stared at each other. He rubbed his hands on his face and smiled. He said he was horney but he was not keen to do anything cause he did not wan't to look seedy or have it look like he was just being nice to get into my pants...Let's just say I told him that I was keen and that I would not think less of him....

So we got it on and it was fun, it was pretty full on.... He asked me if I wanted to have sex with him, but I chickened out.... geez, I can't believe I did that!!!!

I think we are going to meet again, I hope so. Even if it's just to talk. I really enjoyed talking to him. It is nice hanging with someone and them knowing that your gay, and being able to be open with them.

Well, lets see how this develops...

I Don't really Love The Computer

Well, About the guy I have been talking about....Well, we have been chatting heaps on MSN. I am now really cool with the fact that nothing will happen, I don't know where my head was. I am really not ready for a relationship and he is in a bit of a weird place too.

Well, at least i've got a gay mate! It's all good!

Thursday, September 23, 2004

To Fall In Love With A Computer

So, i'm a bit messed up today. I had fallen really hard for the guy i've talked about it the last couple of posts. He says he likes me and that's really scary for him and that he thinks it would be better if we were just friends. I get the felling he is trying to spare hurt feelings cause he is a really neat guy.

I have been thinking that I may not have fallen for him, just the idea of him. I have made him perfect in my mind and I don't even really know him. I have a bit of time on my hands at the moment and find myself thinking about things way too much. I really have to stop that!

I told him that I could not just be friends with him, that he had to tell me if he was interested. He did not say that he was interested. I am really disapointed, but in saying that am kind of glad. I did go back on my threat and said if it can only be friends, then i'm ok with that. ummm.

Oh well, nothing lost except my self respect! :)

Matt

Matt May Come Out

Matt May Come Out: "Matt May "

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

So, what's going to happen??

So, they dude I talked about in my last post...Well, I think I have fallen for him. I have not seen him again, but chatted a lot. I was meant to go out and have a drink with him, but he did not end up calling..... I emailed him and aksed what was happening. I asked him to be honest with me. I got an email back telling me that he liked me and was scared, he had some probs with a guy before that was not out.

I don't really know what to do... I have never felt this way about anyone before this soon after meeting them. It is silly, I don't know what has come over me.

I don't know if he is trying to be nice or if he really is keen. He has asked for some time to sort his head out...I can't give it to him... I can't wait around cause if I do and nothing happens I will be a wreck.

Well, the drama!!!!!

Matt


Monday, September 20, 2004

A Date for Matt!

Well, I went out on a date tonight...with a guy....and it was fantastic!

I have been talking to a guy for ages via msn. He looked very cute in his pics and man is he fun to chat to. He is foreign, but been here for a while.

I was chatting to him tonight and he asked if i wanted to get some coffee, I was a bit surprised, but aggreed. I'm very glad that I did.

We talked for ages! and he was even better looking in person! I told him things I've never told a soul before, and he did not even look bored (he could have been, but i could not tell :) )

When we parted ways, he just gave my hand a gental pat, or rub. We agreed to meet again.

I had a great time! A wonderful time!

I don't know what will happen....He is a gay dude and hanging out with me could be a headache he does not need, but we will see..

Matt

Sunday, September 19, 2004

I met him and nothing happened

Well, I met the guy I was talking about in my last post and shit all happened! I wanted something to happen but it... He was really shy, I mean really shy. He said that he did not expect me to come over..well I did! He said he is really keen to hook up, but not today, he wanted to get to know me first!

Well, I anit looking to get to know people, I want to experement a bit! Well, I really don't know what I want.

So, that's about all I did today, went to a guys house, thought I was going to hook up, and got a glass of water instead....he did offer me juce though....


Saturday, September 18, 2004

Another day.......

Well, today was depressing! I have been a bit down lately, I guess that is why I have started this blog.

I've moved to a new town, been here under a month, that's probley why my gayness is starting to come out, I am away from my mates and don't have anyone here to keep me on the 'straight' and narrow :)

I don't know anyone here at all..... It's hard... I did meet a guy and fooled around with him a couple of times, but he aint calling me, I guess he does not want to have to deal with a guy trying to come to terms with who he is, or perhaps he does not like me. I can't blame him to be honest.

I have been hanging out on a gay dating website, a guy wants to meet up with me. He looks really cute from his photo and is a bit older than me. I think I will meet him, if I do I will blog about it.

Matt :(


Friday, September 17, 2004

Diary of a ummm GAY MAN

Hi,

I'm not too sure if anyone will ever read this, I don't really mind to be honest. I am doing this to get my thoughts out in the open, and to explore the person that I am, the person that I have been hiding from those I love and even from myself.

I have just admitted to myself that I am gay....yeah that's right, I like guys.....there, I said it! phew!

A bit about me:

I'm in my early 20's, I work full time and have a circle of straight mates. I am a normal guy I guess. I have had a couple of girl friends, but nothing that has lasted over a month. I always make an excuse as to why I have to break up with them. I don't really pick up many chicks, everyone just thinks i'm shy...i'm not....

I've been with two guys so far. One is a friend of mine, who got a bit full on, so I ended it, telling him that I was straight and was just experimenting the other I picked up of a gay dating website. I have been telling my mates that I picked up a chick :)

I am starting to feel that I should come out. I'm always the person how expects honesty from those around me, but i'm scared, real scared. What will people think? well who cares!!! I guess as much as I don't want to care, I do.

Well, that was a bit of a broad introduction to myself. I will be using this blog as a diary from today to tell about the highs and lows of my journey. Remember, if you are reading this, I don't want to given shit for my spelling mistakes and writing style, this is primarily for me, if you want to read it, fine. If you want to post a comment, cool but don't expect me to write this for you.

Well, that was a brain dump.

Matthew - a GAY man!